Love? This feeling sucks. I think I hate it -for a while, the romantic one.
I don't know what happened, but I am sure I was *head over feet* in love with this guy for over a year now. And I was suddenly knocked down by time, and I'm slowly shutting down.
Blame it to the leaves we saw last year. I thought it was one of the best moments of my life, that maybe I finally found what I've been looking for. Okay, I just hated the fact that I was cheesy to use those lines in writing the sentence before this. But I was always walking few steps behind him ever since the day I became aware that he is somehow attractive. I'm just somebody who's always walking behind the shadows of our almost perfect friendship. Yeah, we're friends. What sucks is that one day I felt different when I look into the eyes of this person whom I usually get stuck with -by choice and realized that I've unconsciously fallen for one of the best guy friends that I know, and it's crazy that sometimes I think that maybe he feels the same (that now I have proven not). Crap! Major Crap! I can't believe that I am one of the living proof of the proximity theory. Proximity begets love. That is an ugly truth.
It's scary to feel trapped into the illusion of seeing someone in a new perspective, wilder than those you used to imagine (the normal way of imagining things, that's what I mean). It's like betting on the lottery and having high hopes of winning that you've thrown everything that you've got just to join in despite having a doubt on the probability of bagging the jackpot. It's like wishing to the heavens to marry your biggest celebrity crush or for it to rain gold bars or drown the world with love and peace. It's scary but it's something you can't just walk away. It's melodramatic to cram over your fat phone bills, crazy shopaholic vices then getting high interest on your over used plastics, or ranting towards your boring routines at work, but it's devastatingly EMO to have your heart broken by someone who doesn't mean to, but because you chose him to do so. Love affects everything literally. And I don't want to cry over something that only I have an issue with. He doesn't know anything (I am having doubts here though). I am too coward to tell him. Maybe some time in the past I tried to, but he thought of the most bravest thing I've done my entire life was nothing but a casual joke. And my life turned hell because of that!
This thing is nothing but a story that ends and begins with maybe. Maybe, I just made this all up to make my self believe that there's something and I am overly glad that I'm finally getting over it.
I want my personal space back or the old me that I know to return. And I know for a time I'll let you down because I'll be turning my back on you.
I'm saving our friendship. I love it more than the feeling of being in love with you. I know you are patient enough to handle the undesirable part of me. Please bare with me during the process. I know you have the right to know what's going on, and I'll give it to you in time. I have finally reached the deadline I set for my self. I even extended it a lot of times. I know when I have the courage to lay it all down to you, we'll laugh about it and thank me for choosing our friendship.
I know this is crazy, but for the close to nothing percent of romantic feelings I have for you at this point, I'll tell you, I'm in love with you ,and hopefully tomorrow I may not.
No comments:
Post a Comment